Abdulrafiu Arikewuyo
5 min readJan 7, 2024

--

Dear Married men, Let’s be responsible and reasonable for once.

Yesterday, I was watching a radio program where people are free to call in and ask questions regarding their religion. The question of a woman was read. The woman narrated her experience of how her husband had lost his job and was yet to gain another one.

“I told my husband to take up a teaching job at a private school, but he declined, saying that the pay would be too small,” she said. That’s not all. The woman went further to say that “he is asking me to set up a business for him, and I can’t afford that,” she lamented. Now the challenge is that the man is making the marriage difficult by always abusing his wife and throwing verbal insults up and down.

From indications, it appears that the woman is the one who feeds the family and caters to the family’s needs.

The story above is not completely new. The dangerous and negative paradigm shift, where men now begin to feel entitled as if their wives owe them something, has been happening for a while now.

It started with sharing responsibilities, where a man will feel that because his wife is now working, she must also take part in the economic responsibility of the household. Some men now behave like they have done their wives a favor by marrying them, and the wives have to pay back such favors.

Unfortunately, most women are also enabling that by doing all they can, including footing the house bills, paying for rent, food, school fees, etc., just so that the man will be happy and not get angry. This happens irrespective of whether the husband is richer or poorer. It is a habitual thing, a dangerous trend that will consume all of us.

We need to know the following:

1. As a husband, you are 100% responsible for your family. This includes, but is not limited to, providing adequate shelter for your wife, her clothing, food, healthcare, and everything that will make her live comfortably, including her sanitary pads. This also applies to your children — this is a no-brainer; after all, they are your children. This rule is still the same even if your wife is far richer than you.

2. Your wife should not share these responsibilities. She has enough on her plate that she is responsible for. So, the idea of sharing your bills based on a ratio is a no-no. So, my brother, buckle up; you’ve got a big task before you. May Allah bless you.

3. Wives should stop enabling irresponsible men like this. Know your rights as guaranteed by Islam and demand them respectfully but insistently. I understand that you would prefer to dip your hand into your own pocket than wait for a man to look at you like trash simply because you are asking for money to buy okra. But, you need to know that you are not doing him, your marriage, and the future of your children any favor by enabling him.

At least when you enable your husband to be irresponsible, you might be distancing him from the divine blessings of Allah. Men who are taking up their responsibilities with 100% commitment are assured of Allah’s blessings, and that means divine blessings for the family.

4. Not having a job is not an excuse for being irresponsible. There are so many ways you can show that you are responsible even if you have no penny, and your wife will understand that should you have, you would have done more.

5. Obviously, some couples understand themselves. They know how they manage their affairs without any problem. The man does what is expected of him until he can do no more, and the wife complements, understanding that he would have done more if he can. As long as the man is taking full responsibility and appreciates the support of his wife as helping him, then it is fine.

6. Wives should also be careful here. Some of you are the cause of these menaces. You are too in a hurry to show that you can pay the bills. You are losing your patience to allow the man to do his job, in his own way, at his own time.

For instance, he said he wants to send his children to a school that costs 150,000 naira per year, and you feel he can afford a more quality school of double the amount. The man agrees that he can but he is having the foresight of the future. Also, he prefers to invest in other areas for the kids and make sure that money is available for their needs at any time. Here you are thinking he is stingy. Also, for some reason he will be paying the school fees two months later, he has met the school principal, they have agreed.

But here you are forming boss lady, wanting everything to happen here and now, and before you know it, you see yourself changing your child’s school, paying all the school fees yourself, and gradually overburdening yourself with the responsibility that Allah did not place on you. Despite having a responsible husband, your impatience will not allow him to do his work.

I will provide you with another case study here. Imagine your son’s school shoes are already wearing out. As a mother, it is natural to feel a sense of urgency to acquire a new pair for him. After informing your husband twice, and all he has done is make promises, you may be inclined to rush to the market and purchase a new pair.

However, why not allow the ‘worse’ to happen and let the man see the implications of his ‘negligence.’ This way, he will learn a lesson and take up his responsibility promptly in the future. If you take on the task, you are further enabling him to be irresponsible, and ultimately, you may find yourself shouldering even more responsibilities.

In conclusion, the trend we now see is a very dangerous one. When men now feel entitled and want their wives to feed them. If this continues, the message we will be sending to our children will be a wrong one, one that will distort the natural system established by Allah.

Also, wives should be careful not to enable such irresponsibility. We all need to ensure that we build a saner society for the coming generation.

--

--

Abdulrafiu Arikewuyo

Abdulrafiu Arikewuyo is a teacher and a writer. On a mission to change the school model.